I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had sex on a roof
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
