There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
