Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
