next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
