I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
