Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
