apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
