Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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