he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
