the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
