i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
