I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
