Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
