dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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