No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
