I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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