I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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