Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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