Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
