4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
