everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
