in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
