we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
