I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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