planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
