i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
