Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
