She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
