at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
