I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I AM VODKA MAN
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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