what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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