I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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