i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
