Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
