id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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