you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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