Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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