I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
