you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
