I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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