I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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