That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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