I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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