the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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