I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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