chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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