I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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