Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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