I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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