You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
