So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
